Insecurity Blanket

I'd like to think that I always had the ability to easily walk away from tumultuous relationships, unhealthy situations, and bad breakups. But in reality- I probably lingered way longer than I should've. The thing about anything messy and complicated is of course, the element of drama. Who doesn't love the big blowups, confrontations, or having the last laugh? I admit, I've been known to relish in all of the above. I've had my fair share of fights over nothing, feelings of insecurities over ex-girlfriends, and a strong desire to be right even when I'm dead wrong. Its truly been exhausting starring, producing, and directing my version of, "As Leslie's world turns". When your habits include blowing things out of proportion, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and expecting the worst- you're bound to live in world full of questions. Answers certainly didn't come easy for me- I can't help but to question everything. If the moon and stars were perfectly aligned and my life was going just the way I wanted it to- somehow, I would feel like it's all too good to be true. When my now husband asked me to marry him in 1999- i think my first response was, "Are you sure?" And when I received any sort of compliments, I would skeptically say, "Are you serious?" 

Looking back, I attribute much of my doubtfulness and need for the drama, drama, drama to a mean case of insecurity. I found it much easier to hide behind being defensive and angry than to actually accept that perhaps I wasn't the smartest, prettiest, and wittiest woman whose ever walked the planet. (although, let's face it- this may be up for debate!!) But, as the years pile on, so do life's lessons about loss, authenticity, and appreciating what you have. By stepping away from my man made soap opera and allowing some time to flourish, I was able to find out what really matters in life. And let me tell you...it's not about what she said, he said, she said about me, who's in my circle of trust, or how much money I make. I found that being caught up in things like office politics, gossip, and vendetta's are completely, unequivocally, and totally a waste of time and energy. And nowadays, my questions tend to center around whether I'm being the best that I can be, am I doing what's right for my family, and am I appreciating life the way I should? And you...what do you question? Do tell...