We had a moment...

At the Side Street Inn on a random Saturday night in December, a few of my co-workers and I rang in the holidays with a long overdue get together. Tucked away in the back of the restaurant, 4 long tables of QMC employees stuffed their faces full of SSI's signature pork chops, fried rice, and poke. There were many games to be played, pictures to be taken, and an obscene amount of alcohol to be consumed. Crown and coke anyone? 

As anyone from Hawaii can testify, the party doesn't REALLY get started until you turn that karaoke machine on. So for $1/song and with the use of what looked like a 13 inch tv, Ricky Martin's classic, "She bangs" hit the sound system and suddenly a roar of laughs, screams, and obscenities overtook the room. While our group was thoroughly amused, i could see that other non party going patrons were less enthused by what one diner called noise pollution. Eventually, our mood settled as the strum of a light guitar began to play and Extreme's 1991 metal ballad, "More than words" cued up on the mini screen. In an instant, our entire room began to belt out the lyrics with so much emotion and conviction that you'd think they wrote the song themselves. On this particular night- i remember scanning the room and reminding myself to live in this exact moment. I sat across the table from my friend, Pros who had an uncanny resemblance to my uncles back in Jersey and for reasons unbeknownst to him, somehow made me feel closer to home. We caught each others eye as we sang "then you wouldn't have to say that you love me, 'cause i already know." That was the last time we saw each other until i got the news today that he passed away. 

While i generally try not to give advice, at least not overtly, tonight i tell you this...be present in your moments- you may just have the ability to touch someone's heart, heal someone's homesickness, or make someone smile. 

Rest in peace Pros

Saying I love you
Is not the words I want to hear from you
It's not that I want you
Not to say, but if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words
Now I've tried to talk to you and make you understand
All you have to do is close your eyes
And just reach out your hands and touch me
Hold me close don't ever let me go
More than words is all I ever needed you to show
Then you wouldn't have to say that you love me
Cos I'd already know
What would you do if my heart was torn in two
More than words to show you feel
That your love for me is real
What would you say if I took those words away
Then you couldn't make things new
Just by saying I love you
More than words 

My, my...how you have grown!

My daughter took her Chemistry final on Thursday and with the drop of her pen, she officially ended her junior year of high school. With a trip to the county championships in volleyball, a red hot pursuit for a Division 1 scholarship, and more fluctuations in emotions, friends, and grades than you can keep track of...she and WE say buh-bye to the 11th grade. Soon after, i received an FB post from a friend asking if i was ready for senior year.  "Sure, why not?" i say.  Then, a sinking feeling...the 13th grade doesn't exist (at least not for my kid, it doesn't!!) As i delve further into the future i imagine a life void of teenage angst, eye rolling, pleas for prom dresses that cost more than a car payment, and curfews that "just aren't fair." And for all of you with small children who think, "no- not my precious angel"- I have two words: just wait. 

Don't get me wrong, parenting has been the highlight of my adult life and despite the roller coaster of ups and downs- i couldn't fathom a more rewarding challenge. The years have flown by so quickly that my own high school graduation was nearly 20 years ago. (though you really couldn't tell by looking at me) With the reality that life moves at an exponential pace and some day soon, my husband and I will officially become empty nesters- i say to all the tears, joys, moving violations, straight A's, and excuses...bring it! For we will never have these days again. 

So, am i really ready for senior year? Sure, why not...

 

 

20/20 Foresight

After many years of serious physical activity aversion and clearly a nasty case of mid life metabolism slow down, i finally came to the realization that carbs and INactivity are the ultimate frenemy. Alas! When something tastes really, really good (penne a la vodka) and feels equally as good (curling up in bed with the Bravo channel) chances are 2 more pounds have just settled nicely into the mid-section/thigh area.

So, i've made a conscious effort to start adding things to my life that have normally been painful for me like, reading books and maintaining my employers' 3x/month mandatory gym requirement. I've been better about being on time, packing lunch from home, and telling my husband how much he's appreciated. All of which take an incredible amount of dedication considering the immense attitude adjustment required. So far, in the 72 hours that i've committed to "the new and improved les"- a sense of freedom and a fresh breeze has blown into my once tainted outlook. I suppose that years of avoidance tactics and an unwavering defensiveness towards an uber comfortable and sedentary lifestyle kept me stuck in the past but with a clean slate- I only look forward to looking forward and never looking back. What are you holding on to? do tell...

Ainokea

In a couple of weeks, i'll be heading back to Jersey for a mini summer vacay. Since relocating to Hawaii, my trips back east are jammed packed with places to go and people to see. I literally overbook my schedule and have been known to eat all three meals with different people, indulge in a late night cocktail, and then drive down to Atlantic City with my slots addicted mother and her fabulous Black Card. Personally, i have zero interest in gambling, however, room service and Presidential Suites at swanky hotels are more than enough to put my menial feelings aside. Like I always say...family first, right? Especially when little comp cards get you deluxe spa treatments and entrer' into celebrity chef restaurants. 

At the end of every trip while boarding the flight back to Oahu, partially hung over, completely sleep deprived, 5 pounds heavier, and feeling an incredible sense of satisfaction for sticking to the itinerary- I do always wish for one thing, and that's for more time. It's an incredible desire to want to turn the clocks back, add a few more hours, or stop it all together but time never seems to want to cooperate. So, while my method of triple booking does nothing to combat raccoon eyes and drinking copious amounts of wine for 5 days straight only further hinders the health of my liver, i figure this...I'll do enough sleeping when i'm gone but for now...I do what i like. What do you wish you had more of? Do tell...

Help wanted...

Psych nursing has taught me an invaluable lesson that i not only apply to delusional schizoaffective patients but to the people i surround myself with everyday like my family, co-workers, and friends. And that golden nugget of information is this.....NEVER tell a crazy person that they're crazy. More times than not- you'll probably ensue some sort of violent reaction or cause further emotional breakdown just by stating the obvious. Trust me, refuting the fact that an 83 year old pineapple farmer from Molokai is not President Obama's step brother from Kenya- only puts you in harms way. Just like telling your 40 year old girlfriend that indeed, her married boyfriend is only using her for a booty call lends to the demise of your friendship. The fact is, the truth hurts....

So, unless i've got my amazing psych staff ready for a takedown with an ample supply of IM Haldol and Ativan handy...you will never hear me dispute what's truth to you. We all have things we need to believe in so who am i to rain on your parade? When people come to me for advice- i size them up for how much of the truth they can handle and take it from there. What i've found works best with psychotic patients works just as well with friends and that is...a polite smile and an encouraging nod go a long way!!! What's your best advice? Do tell...

Braveheart

The first time i held my daughter in my arms- i was convinced there was going to be an instant Kodak moment or at the least, a Hallmark card in the making. I anticipated an instant connection and for my internal mom-o-meter to kick in. All the months of waiting and 60 pound weight gain that killed my girlish figure had me anxiously envisioning this moment of euphoria. The nurse brought in my 6 pound 1 oz little girl and without fanfare or gush of emotion- i officially became a mother. In one of the most serene moments of my life, i held her close and prayed for the kind of strength, resilience, and unconditional love that my mom had given me. And just like that...i traded my youth for the adventures of motherhood.  

Nearly 17 years later, it's been nothing short of amazing to see what nurturing can do for a child. And while our first moments together lacked the tears of joy i imagined...trust me when i tell you that they've come since, especially in the teen age years! But, i wouldn't change a thing and feel eternally blessed for the chance to shape, mold, scream, hug, throw things at, challenge, and evoke a love that knows no boundaries! Happy Mother's day to all you adventure lovers....i hope you've had as much fun as i have! Do tell...

L'eggo My Ego

These days when a confidence boost is in order, i find myself stumped on who, what, or where to turn. The trick with getting older is the ability to know your hand before you play it. When i want brutal honesty- I check in with my husband. If i need tough love, I put a call into my brother. And when feeling faint- I call on my girlfriends who indulge me with half truths and a shared love for alcoholic beverages. And yes, I've been to church, written sticky notes on my mirror,  and even worked on a psych unit with schizophrenics who make me appreciative of the little sanity i do possess. 

After much consideration, it occurred to me that an unhealthy balance of running on fumes and irregular maintenance to my ego has led to comparisons with the mentally ill and reaching far too often for the Grey Goose.  Although seeking advice provides a sense of instant gratification, it's gotten me thinking about whose voice i should really be paying attention to, and that's mine. In fact, what i'm hearing right now is that monthly facials are mandatory and a weekend getaway to the Four Seasons Maui is a must . Oh and one more thing, there's nothing wrong with a little vodka. What's your voice saying? Do tell...